Despite being in recovery from dermatillomania since 2015 with a few relapses along the way, I wasn’t sure what to expect from my skin picking disorder when I became pregnant in May of 2019. With body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) likely having hormonal connections, I prepared myself that my recovery could waver during pregnancy.
First Attempt
I almost had the dream of becoming a mother ripped from me due to a six year battle with piriformis syndrome that resulted in me travelling to Nevada, USA, to get surgery in August of 2018. Three months later, I was pregnant and due on the one year anniversary date of the surgery. Life seemed to be coming together despite still battling with a negligent health care system concerning treatment for a hip condition (FAI) that was exacerbated by piriformis syndrome over the years.
Sadly, I miscarried with a blighted ovum throughout December and was unsure if I’d ever become pregnant again. Falling into a depression from the miscarriage, I started slipping into skin picking with my face. With my hips worsening I knew that my time was limited because of how close I was to being in too much pain again to endure a pregnancy.
By the last month of trying, I had to break the news to my husband that we wouldn’t continue after May because both hips were starting to affect me.
My Final Pregnancy
By some unexpected miracle, I became pregnant.
Near the end of June, I developed severe morning sickness that didn’t fully go away until three weeks after I gave birth. I lost a lot of weight and had another symptom I hadn’t heard of: dysgeusia, in the form of an extremely foul and sour taste in my mouth, which also lasted the duration of my pregnancy.
Hyperemesis Gravidarum
I went from vomiting multiple times a day on two medications until the 17th week when I was placed on Zofran- but my nausea never subsided during pregnancy. My picking slowly got out of control because of how hard it was to handle being so dreadfully sick, with my depression worsening to the point I felt like I was living hour by hour just to get by.
In my skin picking recovery, I learned that extreme circumstances make it difficult to manage urges. When life becomes more balanced, I am able to maintain recovery.My mind is more capable of challenging cognitive distortions instead of reacting to the factors that make me pick without even considering stopping myself.
In 2016, I experienced a medical trauma that caused me to have severe panic attacks and resulted in me becoming fearful of vomiting. I became anxious about eating and going to sleep at night because I’d wake up in a full-blown shaking, sweating, hyperventilating panic attack. In terms of my ability to cope, being riddled with sickness was my nightmare scenario for a pregnancy, but I was lucky that my hip pain subsided temporarily because of pregnancy hormones.
I counted the days and made mental notes of milestones to get through the agonizing pregnancy, as I later shared on Truly Mama. By the 30th week, my picking spiked after I found out something may be wrong with the little girl inside of me.
Two weeks later, I learned the ultrasound wasn’t read correctly. At the time, I couldn’t process how everything I endured could have ended up a disaster.
Violet was born on Feb. 12th, 2020 in the first percentile and stayed in the NICU for 10 days.
The emotional effect of pregnancy hormones weren’t noticeable during my pregnancy but after giving birth, I was a mess and thought I would have to be admitted over the random crying spells I kept experiencing for three weeks. I didn’t pick during this time, but it is likely it was because I had no time to with staying in the NICU with Violet as much as possible.
Post-Partum
Between the pandemic starting five weeks later, my mother developing breast cancer, and needing hip surgery while trying to be a mom myself for the first time, my picking has wavered. I’m grateful for the support I received for my piriformis removal in 2018 because it led to life improving in many ways. My husband and I are blessed with a healthy and happy daughter who has captivated our hearts, and that of everyone who has met her!
We cannot thank Dr. Tollestrup enough for specializing in this condition so that many people, like myself, have the chance to turn our lives around. I couldn’t have done any of this without the support of many of you who supported me during rough patches and helped me reach my surgery (actual video- WARNING) goal. I have had to fight for my life a few times, but it’s all worth it because I now have Violet enriching it.
I know I have the tools to improve my picking but life is so chaotic right now that I am trying to be kind to myself, and I have confidence that when things settle I can use what I’ve learned in recovery to manage my urges again.